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1
Absolutely Clueless Show! Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:48 pm
ncoleyCP
I STARTED IT SUMMER AND ENDED IT A COUPLE OF MONTHS BACK BUT NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO RILLY USE IT! FINNALY I CAN! -2 British kids--Canadian kids too-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enter. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM
We begin the film watching an episode of the Absolutely Clueless Show.
Two people sit in two separate chairs. AIDEN, 15 years old with long hippie hair and ABIGAIL, 13 year old average girl.
AIDEN
Cheerio!
ABIGAIL
And welcome to another episode of
The Absolutely Clueless Show!
AIDEN
Hey Abigail.
ABIGAIL
Yes Aiden?
AIDEN
Do you know what I did yesterday?
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDE
I went to a magical place called
“the dentist”.
ABIGAIL
Ace (brilliant)!
AIDEN
No Abigail! No ace! It was pear shaped! (disastrous)
ABIGAIL
What do you mean Aiden?
AIDEN
This man stuck construction tools
into my mouth!
ABIGAIL
Fiddle sticks!
AIDEN
And that isn’t even the worsest part!
ABIGAIL
There is more?!?!
AIDEN
He gave me this device!
Aiden pulls out a toothbrush.
ABIGAIL
What is this?
AIDEN
These Americans call it a toothbrush!
ABIGAIL
A brush for your teeth?
AIDEN
I thought you brushed you hair with
a brush!
ABIGAIL
Dodgy (not trustworthy) are these dentists?
AIDEN
You bet.
ABIGAIL
What a bunch of gits!
AIDEN
And they also said I had a cavity!
ABIGAIL
What is this cavity you speak of?
AIDEN
I have no idea! They just said you have a cavity and we need to fill it!
ABIGAIL
Did it hurt?
AIDEN
I don’t remember they gave me this special gas that made me kip (sleep). And they also have something called braces (suspenders)!
ABIGAIL
The dentist sells suspenders?
AIDEN
That’s what I thought! But they are actually these things that go on your teeth! To make them straight!
ABIGAIL
Well enough of our waffling (talking).
AIDEN
Blimey (Oh no) Abigail, tell our viewers about the Web Show Awards this Friday!
ABIGAIL
Oh you are right Aiden! Well this Friday is the Web Show Awards and we are a nominee!
AIDEN
So don’t fanny (procrastinate) around and got to the official site and vote for us!
ABIGAIL
Well it looks like it is time for us to go!
AIDEN
See you blocks (folks) next time on the…
TOGETHER
Absolutely Clueless Show!!! Cheerio!
2 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - WIDE
We are now on a Wide Shot of the room where Abigail and Aiden were just sitting. A camera sits in front of the two British teens.
They both wait for a beeping noise and then go out of their ‘show’ characters.
AIDEN
Good show today Abigail!
ABIGAIL
You too Aiden!
AIDEN
I’m gonna go get a pint (drink). You want something?
ABIGAIL
No thanks I’m going to check on our Awards Status. Yesterday we were at number one.
AIDEN
Bully! (nice)
Aiden goes up a set of stairs as Abigail walks over to a laptop computer. She begins to type something into the computer.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP -
Abigail is typing in the computer
CUT TO:
Computer Screen - We are on the Web Show Awards Website. On the website there is a list titled “Current Winning Web Show”. This list follows.
1. The Absolutely Uniformed Show
2. The Absolutely Clueless Show
3. Butt Monkey Show
4. Paris Hilton Rulz.com
5. Hippie.com
CUT TO:
Abigail stares at the results. The Clueless Show is Number 2!!!! Abigail’s face turns red in fury.
3 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Aiden is standing in the kitchen drinking a soda. Abigail comes running in from the basement.
ABIGAIL
AIDEN!!!
AIDEN
What’s wrong Abigail?
ABIGAIL
The Clueless Show!
AIDEN
What about it?
ABIGAL
We aren’t number 1!
Ayden’s face goes from a smile to sheer terror.
AIDEN
What? How?
ABIGAIL
Come and see!
They both go running into the basement, the door slams behind them.
4 INT. BASEMENT/CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - CONTINOUS
Aiden and Abigail come running up to the computer.
ABIGAIL
Look!
Aiden reads the list.
AIDEN
The Absolutely Uniformed Show? Check out their site!
ABIGAIL
Here ya go.
CUT TO:
THE ABSOLUTELY UNIFORMED WEBSITE - It is very similar to that of the Absolutely Clueless Show.
CUT BACK TO:
Abigail and Aiden looking at the website.
AIDEN
Let’s watch one of their webisodes!
Abigail clicks on one of the videos.
CUT TO:
UNIFORMED WEBSHOW -
Two kids sit in two separate chairs. Hayden and Abby are the two hosts of the show. They are both about ten years old. They both have Canadian accents. Their show is very similar to the Clueless Show.
HAYDEN
Welcome to the Absolutely Uniformed Show!
ABBY
I’m Abby!
HAYDEN
And I’m Hayden and we…
TOGETHER
…are Canadian!
ABBY
So guess where I went yesterday Hayden.
HAYDEN
Where?
ABBY
To Tim Horton’s!!!
HAYDEN
Ooooo! Tim Horton’s! The coolest place in Canada. (to camera) You know Tim Horton’s was founded in Canada! And that is where we are from!
ABBY
And guess what I got from there.
HAYDEN
What?
ABBY
(in total excitement)
A donut!
HAYDEN
A donut?!?!?
ABBY
(squealing)
With sprinkles!
HAYDEN
Did you get a drink with that donut?
ABBY
Yes…a HOT CHOCOLATE (pronounced chalk-o- latte).
HAYDEN
Mmmmmmmm! Delicious!
ABBY
Well look at the time!
HAYDEN
It must be time for our night classes!
ABBY
Until next time good people.
HAYDEN
Eat Tim Horton’s!
ABBY
Cheerio!
The web show ends.
CUT TO:
Abigail and Aiden stare at the screen.
AIDEN
That is what is beating the Clueless Show?!?
Canadians talking about donuts!
ABIGAIL
Those boffins (nerds) got nothing on the Clueless Show!
AIDEN
But what can we do to stop this?
ABIGAIL
We cannot let them win the Web Show Awards!
TOGETHER
I got it!
AIDEN
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
ABIGAIL
I think so…
TOGETHER
Take them down!
ABIGAIL
But how?
AIDEN
I say we show ‘em the old Brit way.
He makes a punching motion.
ABIGAIL
I got something better!
Abigail whispers to Aiden.
AIDEN
Oh yeah! But how do we find where they are?
ABIGAIL
Maybe it says on their site.
They both go back to the computer and look on the website.
AIDEN
Go to the Contact page. Maybe it says something about their location.
Abigail clicks on the Contact Page. An address to Hayden and Abby’s location appears on the screen.
ABIGAIL
There it is!
Aiden pulls out a paper and a pen. He scribbles down the address: 3165 Canadianripperoffer Drive.
AIDEN
Got it!
ABIGAIL
These arsefaces (ugly person) are going down!
AIDEN
Now to Map Quest!
FAST SHOTS:
-Abigail enters mapquest.com in the computer
-The Uniformed Address is entered in the directions
-Clueless Show address is entered in the directions
- The Map Quest Page gets printed out
END FAST SHOTS.
AIDEN
(holding up directions)
Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!!!!
ABIGAIL
Let’s go!
5 EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Aiden and Abigail are walking down a sidewalk. A woman dressed oddly walks by the two. She wears a long colorful boa.
AIDEN
Look Abigail! A tom (street walker)!
ABIGAIL
Ooo! I’ve never seen one so close before!
AIDEN
Excuse me fine looking tom, could I touch your boa?
The woman ignores Aiden and keeps walking.
ABIGAIL
She must be a deaf tom.
Aiden and Abigail walk onwards.
6 EXT. DIFFERENT SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY
Aiden and Abigail are reading the directions as they are walking.
A dog runs up to Abigail. She lets out a terrifying scream.
ABIGAIL
Aaaaaa! A monster!!!
AIDEN
What is this hideous beast?
ABIGAIL
It smells like feces!
AIDEN
It is a creature from Satan himself!
The dogs owner comes running up to the dog.
DOG OWNER
Sorry about that. She got loose from her leash.
ABIGAIL
What is this creature?
DOG OWNER
(confused)
A-a-a dog.
A&A
(looking at each other)
Dog?
DOG OWNER
Yeah, a dog. Haven’t you heard of a dog before?
AIDEN
No chunky sir. You see we are from…
ABIGAIL
Britan!
DOG OWNER
I thought British people had dogs?
ABIGAIL
(in a snooty manor)
No we don’t. You see English people have dogs. British people don’t.
DOG OWNER
Oh ok. Thanks for the history lesson.
The Dog Owner walks away with his dog.
Abigail and Aiden continue on their adventure. Abigail is looking at the floor and Aiden is looking forward. He stops in his tracks.
Abigail sees him stop. Aiden stares into the distant. Abigail looks at Aiden.
ABIGAIL
What is it?
Aiden doesn’t speak he just points.
CUT TO:
A McDONALD’S RESTAURANT!
CUT BACK TO:
Aiden is drooling at the mouth.
AIDEN
French fries…!
ABIGAIL
Aiden we don’t have time for French fries.
AIDEN
Could I get a kids meal?
ABIGAIL
Aiden we gotta save the show!
AIDEN
(in a trance)
Who cares about the show there are French fries in there!!!
ABIGAIL
Aiden you are acting like an arse (butt)!
Aiden just looks at Abigail.
Cue the song ‘French Fries’.
AIDEN
FRENCH FRIES!
GOTTA TO HAVE THEM!
GOTTA LOVE ‘EM!
FRENCH FRIES!
NOTHING WILL COMPARE TO THEM!
FRENCH FRIES!
(Continues on Next Page)
EXPERIMENT WITH SOMETHING LIVING!
FRENCH FRIES!
CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN CHIIIP’S!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
I’VE ALWAYS LONGED FOR SOMETHING GREASY!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
BUT YOU COMPARE ME TO AN ARSE!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
STAY WITH THE BRITS, I’M JOINING THE AMERICANS!
CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN BRITAN!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
Aiden is barking mad jumping around the sidewalk. Swinging on light posts as he sings this tune. Then during a break in the song a guitarist appears and begins to play the song. Aiden joins in with her.
AIDEN
SOMETHING’S CHANGING!
I CAN FEEL IT!
WE’RE AMERICANS, NOW!
WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT?
(Continues on Next Page)
FRENCH FRIES AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!
FRENCH FRIES AND YOU WON’T BOSS ME!
YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME ABIGAIL,
FRENCH FRIES ARE FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!!!
Abigail slaps Aiden. He falls to the sidewalks pavement. He holds his cheek in terror as he stares at Abigail.
AIDEN
I’m sorry Abigail. The power of the grease came over me.
ABIGAIL
It’s ok Aiden.
AIDEN
Now lets go get those Canadian suckers! And can we get some fries after we teach them a lesson?
ABIGAIL
Of course.
They both smile. Abigail helps Aiden stand up and they walk off together.
7 EXT. SIDEWALK - EVEN LATER THAT DAY
Abigail and Aiden are still reading the directions. They are both looking at the paper. They begin to walk off the sidewalk. They keep walking through somebody’s front yard. They run into the persons house.
They tumble to the ground and stand back up. As they do they see inside the house a TV playing the movie “Creature from the Haunted Sea”.
AIDEN
Look Abigail, a TELEVISION!
ABIGAIL
I wish we had one of those in Britan.
The Creature appears on the TV screen. They both scream as if it were real and then they take off running.
ABIGAIL
(as they run away)
I changed my mind!!!
8 EXT. SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY
Abigail and Aiden are walking down (yet another) sidewalk.
ABIGAIL
Look!
She runs over to the side of the sidewalk.
AIDEN
What is it?
ABIGAIL
It’s a…
She holds up a guinea pig.
ABIGAIL
…a rat of some-sort.
AIDEN
Just allow it (leave it alone).
She pets it.
ABIGAIL
Owww!
She tosses the guinea pig out into the middle of the road.
AIDEN
What happened?
ABIGAIL
The booger bit me!
AIDEN
Oh, well.
ABIGAIL
Let’s go!
They both leave.
We then pan over to a telephone pole where a sign hangs saying:
MISSING GUINEA PIG!
If Found Please Return!!!
$5,000 dollar reward!
Call 614-529-0606
9 EXT. UNIFORMED SHOW HOUSE - ALMOST NIGHT
Abigail and Aiden walk up to the house. It is dusk. They are looking at the directions.
ABIGAIL
We are here!
AIDEN
Let’s get em!
They go running up to the front door. They try to open it, it’s locked!
ABIGAIL
Do we gotta to break into the house?
She grins.
AIDEN
No Abigail! That is illegal in America.
But I do know where ALL Canadians hide their house keys.
Aiden pulls up the mat at the front door and sure enough there sit’s a key.
Aiden picks it up and unlocks the door. The two storm into the house.
10 INT. UNIFORMED RECORDING ROOM
Hayden and Abby are recording a show. They are sitting in their seats with a camera in front of them.
HAYDEN
…and the dentist said I had a cavity!
ABBY
OMG!
Aiden and Abigail storm into the room.
HAYDEN
CUT!!!!!
They both go out of character.
ABBY
What in the name of Niagara Falls are you two doing here?
AIDEN
We want you to stop ripping of the Clueless Show!
HAYDEN
What are you talking about?
ABIGAIL
You airheads know what we are talking about!
AIDEN
And there is only one way to settle this!
ABIGAIL AND AIDEN
Yo Mama Off!!!!
ABBY
What?
ABIGAIL
Yo Mama Off. Winner gets to keep their webshow and the looser looses their webshow.
Do we have deal?
Hayden and Abby look at each other. Then they smile.
HAYDEN AND ABBY
Yeah!
ABBY
Oh and ya’ll can go first.
Abigail pulls out a ROUND 1 sign.
ABIGAIL
Round one!
Aiden and Abigail whisper something. Aiden then walks up in front of Hayden and Abby.
AIDEN
Yo mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone!
BACKGROUND
Oooo!
Hayden steps up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
BACKGROUND
Oh no she didn’t!
It is now Abigail’s turn.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so fat when she puts on a yellow rain coat people yell “taxi”!
BACKGROUND
Oooo snap!
Abigail and Aiden slap a high five. Abby walks up.
ABBY
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
BACKGROUND
It’s getting’ hot in here! Tie!
ABIGAIL
(holding round 2 sign)
Round 2!
Hayden walks up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
BACKGROUND
Burn!
Hayden is happy with her joke.
AIDEN
Yo mama so stupid she stole from a free sample!
BACKGROUND
Double burn!
Abby walks up.
ABBY
Yo mama so fat when she backs up she beeps!
BACKGROUND
Boo! Heard it before!
Abigail smiles. She then steps up.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so fat her belly button has an echo!
BACKGROUND
Yeah! Clueless Show wins round 2!
Abigail holds up a Round 3 sign.
ABIGAIL
Round 3!
Hayden walks up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon!
BACKGROUND
Boo!!!! You Stink!!!!
Hayden walks back to her spot in shame hanging her head. Abigail steps up.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote.
BACKGROUND
Cha-ching!
Abigail walks away proud. Abby takes her turn.
ABBY
Yo mama is yo papa!
BACKGROUND
What the…?
Aiden steps up.
AIDEN
Yo mama so stupid she can’t read an audio book!
BACKGROUND
Bowchickabowow!!! Team Clueless Wins!
AIDEN and ABIGAIL
We won!
AIDEN
In your faces!
ABIGAIL
Neener Neener!
They are so excited. They jump into the air and slap a high five in slow motion.
Abby and Hayden sit in shame as the two party. But then suddenly Abby pulls out a gun and shoots Aiden. He goes crashing to the floor.
DEAD.
Abigail turns and looks at Abby in horror. Abby passes the gun to Hayden who proceeds to pull the trigger. Abigail screams in horror. She gets hit and falls to the ground.
ABIGAIL’S POV - Everything goes blurry. She is still screaming.
DARKNESS - FOR TEN SECONDS.
11 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM
Abigail is sitting her usual chair. She is actually OK. Her eyes are shut. She is asleep.
Aiden runs over to her and wakes her up.
AIDEN
Abigail come quick!
Abigail jumps up from her horrible dream.
ABIGAIL
It was just a dream!
AIDEN
Abigail! Come and see!
ABIGAIL
What is it?
AIDEN
The Absolutely Uniformed Show!
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
They are ripping of the Clueless Show!
Aiden pulls Abigail over to the computer and shows her the Uniformed Website.
AIDEN
These two idiots host the show their names are…
ABIGAIL
Hayden and Abby.
AIDEN
Hey how did you know?
ABIGAIL
Lucky guess.
Abigail lets out a strange smile.
AIDEN
We gotta go stop them! C’mon!
Abigail stares at him in terror.
ABIGAIL
NO!!!!
CUT TO:
11 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM - SAME TIME
Abigail is in her chair asleep, again. Aiden runs up and shakes her.
AIDEN
Wake up,!
ABIGAIL
What?!?! What’s wrong?
AIDEN
Nothing. Are you ready to do another
episode…
Abigail takes a breath of relief.
AIDEN
…of the Absolutely Uniformed Show, Abby?
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
Abby…that’s your name!
ABIGAIL
What are you talking about?
AIDEN
My name’s Hayden and your name is Abby…
ABIGALE
No! Your name is Aiden!
AIDEN
What are you talking about.
CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT of the room. It is the Uniformed Room. Abigail looks around and notices it. She looks over and dead on the floor is Abby and Hayden (the real one’s from before).
AIDEN
It’s too bad we had to dispose of those two Clueless Show losers.
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
You don’t remember Abby? You killed one of them!
ABIGAIL
(to herself)
This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening!
Aiden begins to laugh hysterically. Abby and Hayden’s dead body rise up from the floor and walk over to Abigail and reach out to grab her. She screams for help.
SMASH CUT TO:
12 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM
Abigail is sitting her chair, eyes closed and she is screaming.
Aiden comes running in.
AIDEN
What’s wrong?
ABIGAIL
Aiden?
AIDEN
Yes?
She knows that she is in reality. She just smiles and takes a breath.
ABIGAIL
I just had the craziest dream!
We slowly pan away as Aiden sits down.
Abigail begins to tell him about her dream.
SLOWLY FADE OUT.
ROLL END CREDITS
THE END
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lIKED IT?
:o
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enter. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM
We begin the film watching an episode of the Absolutely Clueless Show.
Two people sit in two separate chairs. AIDEN, 15 years old with long hippie hair and ABIGAIL, 13 year old average girl.
AIDEN
Cheerio!
ABIGAIL
And welcome to another episode of
The Absolutely Clueless Show!
AIDEN
Hey Abigail.
ABIGAIL
Yes Aiden?
AIDEN
Do you know what I did yesterday?
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDE
I went to a magical place called
“the dentist”.
ABIGAIL
Ace (brilliant)!
AIDEN
No Abigail! No ace! It was pear shaped! (disastrous)
ABIGAIL
What do you mean Aiden?
AIDEN
This man stuck construction tools
into my mouth!
ABIGAIL
Fiddle sticks!
AIDEN
And that isn’t even the worsest part!
ABIGAIL
There is more?!?!
AIDEN
He gave me this device!
Aiden pulls out a toothbrush.
ABIGAIL
What is this?
AIDEN
These Americans call it a toothbrush!
ABIGAIL
A brush for your teeth?
AIDEN
I thought you brushed you hair with
a brush!
ABIGAIL
Dodgy (not trustworthy) are these dentists?
AIDEN
You bet.
ABIGAIL
What a bunch of gits!
AIDEN
And they also said I had a cavity!
ABIGAIL
What is this cavity you speak of?
AIDEN
I have no idea! They just said you have a cavity and we need to fill it!
ABIGAIL
Did it hurt?
AIDEN
I don’t remember they gave me this special gas that made me kip (sleep). And they also have something called braces (suspenders)!
ABIGAIL
The dentist sells suspenders?
AIDEN
That’s what I thought! But they are actually these things that go on your teeth! To make them straight!
ABIGAIL
Well enough of our waffling (talking).
AIDEN
Blimey (Oh no) Abigail, tell our viewers about the Web Show Awards this Friday!
ABIGAIL
Oh you are right Aiden! Well this Friday is the Web Show Awards and we are a nominee!
AIDEN
So don’t fanny (procrastinate) around and got to the official site and vote for us!
ABIGAIL
Well it looks like it is time for us to go!
AIDEN
See you blocks (folks) next time on the…
TOGETHER
Absolutely Clueless Show!!! Cheerio!
2 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - WIDE
We are now on a Wide Shot of the room where Abigail and Aiden were just sitting. A camera sits in front of the two British teens.
They both wait for a beeping noise and then go out of their ‘show’ characters.
AIDEN
Good show today Abigail!
ABIGAIL
You too Aiden!
AIDEN
I’m gonna go get a pint (drink). You want something?
ABIGAIL
No thanks I’m going to check on our Awards Status. Yesterday we were at number one.
AIDEN
Bully! (nice)
Aiden goes up a set of stairs as Abigail walks over to a laptop computer. She begins to type something into the computer.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP -
Abigail is typing in the computer
CUT TO:
Computer Screen - We are on the Web Show Awards Website. On the website there is a list titled “Current Winning Web Show”. This list follows.
1. The Absolutely Uniformed Show
2. The Absolutely Clueless Show
3. Butt Monkey Show
4. Paris Hilton Rulz.com
5. Hippie.com
CUT TO:
Abigail stares at the results. The Clueless Show is Number 2!!!! Abigail’s face turns red in fury.
3 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Aiden is standing in the kitchen drinking a soda. Abigail comes running in from the basement.
ABIGAIL
AIDEN!!!
AIDEN
What’s wrong Abigail?
ABIGAIL
The Clueless Show!
AIDEN
What about it?
ABIGAL
We aren’t number 1!
Ayden’s face goes from a smile to sheer terror.
AIDEN
What? How?
ABIGAIL
Come and see!
They both go running into the basement, the door slams behind them.
4 INT. BASEMENT/CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM - CONTINOUS
Aiden and Abigail come running up to the computer.
ABIGAIL
Look!
Aiden reads the list.
AIDEN
The Absolutely Uniformed Show? Check out their site!
ABIGAIL
Here ya go.
CUT TO:
THE ABSOLUTELY UNIFORMED WEBSITE - It is very similar to that of the Absolutely Clueless Show.
CUT BACK TO:
Abigail and Aiden looking at the website.
AIDEN
Let’s watch one of their webisodes!
Abigail clicks on one of the videos.
CUT TO:
UNIFORMED WEBSHOW -
Two kids sit in two separate chairs. Hayden and Abby are the two hosts of the show. They are both about ten years old. They both have Canadian accents. Their show is very similar to the Clueless Show.
HAYDEN
Welcome to the Absolutely Uniformed Show!
ABBY
I’m Abby!
HAYDEN
And I’m Hayden and we…
TOGETHER
…are Canadian!
ABBY
So guess where I went yesterday Hayden.
HAYDEN
Where?
ABBY
To Tim Horton’s!!!
HAYDEN
Ooooo! Tim Horton’s! The coolest place in Canada. (to camera) You know Tim Horton’s was founded in Canada! And that is where we are from!
ABBY
And guess what I got from there.
HAYDEN
What?
ABBY
(in total excitement)
A donut!
HAYDEN
A donut?!?!?
ABBY
(squealing)
With sprinkles!
HAYDEN
Did you get a drink with that donut?
ABBY
Yes…a HOT CHOCOLATE (pronounced chalk-o- latte).
HAYDEN
Mmmmmmmm! Delicious!
ABBY
Well look at the time!
HAYDEN
It must be time for our night classes!
ABBY
Until next time good people.
HAYDEN
Eat Tim Horton’s!
ABBY
Cheerio!
The web show ends.
CUT TO:
Abigail and Aiden stare at the screen.
AIDEN
That is what is beating the Clueless Show?!?
Canadians talking about donuts!
ABIGAIL
Those boffins (nerds) got nothing on the Clueless Show!
AIDEN
But what can we do to stop this?
ABIGAIL
We cannot let them win the Web Show Awards!
TOGETHER
I got it!
AIDEN
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
ABIGAIL
I think so…
TOGETHER
Take them down!
ABIGAIL
But how?
AIDEN
I say we show ‘em the old Brit way.
He makes a punching motion.
ABIGAIL
I got something better!
Abigail whispers to Aiden.
AIDEN
Oh yeah! But how do we find where they are?
ABIGAIL
Maybe it says on their site.
They both go back to the computer and look on the website.
AIDEN
Go to the Contact page. Maybe it says something about their location.
Abigail clicks on the Contact Page. An address to Hayden and Abby’s location appears on the screen.
ABIGAIL
There it is!
Aiden pulls out a paper and a pen. He scribbles down the address: 3165 Canadianripperoffer Drive.
AIDEN
Got it!
ABIGAIL
These arsefaces (ugly person) are going down!
AIDEN
Now to Map Quest!
FAST SHOTS:
-Abigail enters mapquest.com in the computer
-The Uniformed Address is entered in the directions
-Clueless Show address is entered in the directions
- The Map Quest Page gets printed out
END FAST SHOTS.
AIDEN
(holding up directions)
Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!!!!
ABIGAIL
Let’s go!
5 EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Aiden and Abigail are walking down a sidewalk. A woman dressed oddly walks by the two. She wears a long colorful boa.
AIDEN
Look Abigail! A tom (street walker)!
ABIGAIL
Ooo! I’ve never seen one so close before!
AIDEN
Excuse me fine looking tom, could I touch your boa?
The woman ignores Aiden and keeps walking.
ABIGAIL
She must be a deaf tom.
Aiden and Abigail walk onwards.
6 EXT. DIFFERENT SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY
Aiden and Abigail are reading the directions as they are walking.
A dog runs up to Abigail. She lets out a terrifying scream.
ABIGAIL
Aaaaaa! A monster!!!
AIDEN
What is this hideous beast?
ABIGAIL
It smells like feces!
AIDEN
It is a creature from Satan himself!
The dogs owner comes running up to the dog.
DOG OWNER
Sorry about that. She got loose from her leash.
ABIGAIL
What is this creature?
DOG OWNER
(confused)
A-a-a dog.
A&A
(looking at each other)
Dog?
DOG OWNER
Yeah, a dog. Haven’t you heard of a dog before?
AIDEN
No chunky sir. You see we are from…
ABIGAIL
Britan!
DOG OWNER
I thought British people had dogs?
ABIGAIL
(in a snooty manor)
No we don’t. You see English people have dogs. British people don’t.
DOG OWNER
Oh ok. Thanks for the history lesson.
The Dog Owner walks away with his dog.
Abigail and Aiden continue on their adventure. Abigail is looking at the floor and Aiden is looking forward. He stops in his tracks.
Abigail sees him stop. Aiden stares into the distant. Abigail looks at Aiden.
ABIGAIL
What is it?
Aiden doesn’t speak he just points.
CUT TO:
A McDONALD’S RESTAURANT!
CUT BACK TO:
Aiden is drooling at the mouth.
AIDEN
French fries…!
ABIGAIL
Aiden we don’t have time for French fries.
AIDEN
Could I get a kids meal?
ABIGAIL
Aiden we gotta save the show!
AIDEN
(in a trance)
Who cares about the show there are French fries in there!!!
ABIGAIL
Aiden you are acting like an arse (butt)!
Aiden just looks at Abigail.
Cue the song ‘French Fries’.
AIDEN
FRENCH FRIES!
GOTTA TO HAVE THEM!
GOTTA LOVE ‘EM!
FRENCH FRIES!
NOTHING WILL COMPARE TO THEM!
FRENCH FRIES!
(Continues on Next Page)
EXPERIMENT WITH SOMETHING LIVING!
FRENCH FRIES!
CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN CHIIIP’S!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
I’VE ALWAYS LONGED FOR SOMETHING GREASY!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
BUT YOU COMPARE ME TO AN ARSE!
CHORUS
FRENCH FRIES!
AIDEN
STAY WITH THE BRITS, I’M JOINING THE AMERICANS!
CUZ THEY’RE SWEETER THAN BRITAN!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
Aiden is barking mad jumping around the sidewalk. Swinging on light posts as he sings this tune. Then during a break in the song a guitarist appears and begins to play the song. Aiden joins in with her.
AIDEN
SOMETHING’S CHANGING!
I CAN FEEL IT!
WE’RE AMERICANS, NOW!
WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT?
(Continues on Next Page)
FRENCH FRIES AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!
FRENCH FRIES AND YOU WON’T BOSS ME!
YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME ABIGAIL,
FRENCH FRIES ARE FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!!!
Abigail slaps Aiden. He falls to the sidewalks pavement. He holds his cheek in terror as he stares at Abigail.
AIDEN
I’m sorry Abigail. The power of the grease came over me.
ABIGAIL
It’s ok Aiden.
AIDEN
Now lets go get those Canadian suckers! And can we get some fries after we teach them a lesson?
ABIGAIL
Of course.
They both smile. Abigail helps Aiden stand up and they walk off together.
7 EXT. SIDEWALK - EVEN LATER THAT DAY
Abigail and Aiden are still reading the directions. They are both looking at the paper. They begin to walk off the sidewalk. They keep walking through somebody’s front yard. They run into the persons house.
They tumble to the ground and stand back up. As they do they see inside the house a TV playing the movie “Creature from the Haunted Sea”.
AIDEN
Look Abigail, a TELEVISION!
ABIGAIL
I wish we had one of those in Britan.
The Creature appears on the TV screen. They both scream as if it were real and then they take off running.
ABIGAIL
(as they run away)
I changed my mind!!!
8 EXT. SIDEWALK - LATER THAT DAY
Abigail and Aiden are walking down (yet another) sidewalk.
ABIGAIL
Look!
She runs over to the side of the sidewalk.
AIDEN
What is it?
ABIGAIL
It’s a…
She holds up a guinea pig.
ABIGAIL
…a rat of some-sort.
AIDEN
Just allow it (leave it alone).
She pets it.
ABIGAIL
Owww!
She tosses the guinea pig out into the middle of the road.
AIDEN
What happened?
ABIGAIL
The booger bit me!
AIDEN
Oh, well.
ABIGAIL
Let’s go!
They both leave.
We then pan over to a telephone pole where a sign hangs saying:
MISSING GUINEA PIG!
If Found Please Return!!!
$5,000 dollar reward!
Call 614-529-0606
9 EXT. UNIFORMED SHOW HOUSE - ALMOST NIGHT
Abigail and Aiden walk up to the house. It is dusk. They are looking at the directions.
ABIGAIL
We are here!
AIDEN
Let’s get em!
They go running up to the front door. They try to open it, it’s locked!
ABIGAIL
Do we gotta to break into the house?
She grins.
AIDEN
No Abigail! That is illegal in America.
But I do know where ALL Canadians hide their house keys.
Aiden pulls up the mat at the front door and sure enough there sit’s a key.
Aiden picks it up and unlocks the door. The two storm into the house.
10 INT. UNIFORMED RECORDING ROOM
Hayden and Abby are recording a show. They are sitting in their seats with a camera in front of them.
HAYDEN
…and the dentist said I had a cavity!
ABBY
OMG!
Aiden and Abigail storm into the room.
HAYDEN
CUT!!!!!
They both go out of character.
ABBY
What in the name of Niagara Falls are you two doing here?
AIDEN
We want you to stop ripping of the Clueless Show!
HAYDEN
What are you talking about?
ABIGAIL
You airheads know what we are talking about!
AIDEN
And there is only one way to settle this!
ABIGAIL AND AIDEN
Yo Mama Off!!!!
ABBY
What?
ABIGAIL
Yo Mama Off. Winner gets to keep their webshow and the looser looses their webshow.
Do we have deal?
Hayden and Abby look at each other. Then they smile.
HAYDEN AND ABBY
Yeah!
ABBY
Oh and ya’ll can go first.
Abigail pulls out a ROUND 1 sign.
ABIGAIL
Round one!
Aiden and Abigail whisper something. Aiden then walks up in front of Hayden and Abby.
AIDEN
Yo mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone!
BACKGROUND
Oooo!
Hayden steps up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
BACKGROUND
Oh no she didn’t!
It is now Abigail’s turn.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so fat when she puts on a yellow rain coat people yell “taxi”!
BACKGROUND
Oooo snap!
Abigail and Aiden slap a high five. Abby walks up.
ABBY
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
BACKGROUND
It’s getting’ hot in here! Tie!
ABIGAIL
(holding round 2 sign)
Round 2!
Hayden walks up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
BACKGROUND
Burn!
Hayden is happy with her joke.
AIDEN
Yo mama so stupid she stole from a free sample!
BACKGROUND
Double burn!
Abby walks up.
ABBY
Yo mama so fat when she backs up she beeps!
BACKGROUND
Boo! Heard it before!
Abigail smiles. She then steps up.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so fat her belly button has an echo!
BACKGROUND
Yeah! Clueless Show wins round 2!
Abigail holds up a Round 3 sign.
ABIGAIL
Round 3!
Hayden walks up.
HAYDEN
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon!
BACKGROUND
Boo!!!! You Stink!!!!
Hayden walks back to her spot in shame hanging her head. Abigail steps up.
ABIGAIL
Yo mama so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote.
BACKGROUND
Cha-ching!
Abigail walks away proud. Abby takes her turn.
ABBY
Yo mama is yo papa!
BACKGROUND
What the…?
Aiden steps up.
AIDEN
Yo mama so stupid she can’t read an audio book!
BACKGROUND
Bowchickabowow!!! Team Clueless Wins!
AIDEN and ABIGAIL
We won!
AIDEN
In your faces!
ABIGAIL
Neener Neener!
They are so excited. They jump into the air and slap a high five in slow motion.
Abby and Hayden sit in shame as the two party. But then suddenly Abby pulls out a gun and shoots Aiden. He goes crashing to the floor.
DEAD.
Abigail turns and looks at Abby in horror. Abby passes the gun to Hayden who proceeds to pull the trigger. Abigail screams in horror. She gets hit and falls to the ground.
ABIGAIL’S POV - Everything goes blurry. She is still screaming.
DARKNESS - FOR TEN SECONDS.
11 INT. CLUELESS SHOW RECORDING ROOM
Abigail is sitting her usual chair. She is actually OK. Her eyes are shut. She is asleep.
Aiden runs over to her and wakes her up.
AIDEN
Abigail come quick!
Abigail jumps up from her horrible dream.
ABIGAIL
It was just a dream!
AIDEN
Abigail! Come and see!
ABIGAIL
What is it?
AIDEN
The Absolutely Uniformed Show!
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
They are ripping of the Clueless Show!
Aiden pulls Abigail over to the computer and shows her the Uniformed Website.
AIDEN
These two idiots host the show their names are…
ABIGAIL
Hayden and Abby.
AIDEN
Hey how did you know?
ABIGAIL
Lucky guess.
Abigail lets out a strange smile.
AIDEN
We gotta go stop them! C’mon!
Abigail stares at him in terror.
ABIGAIL
NO!!!!
CUT TO:
11 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM - SAME TIME
Abigail is in her chair asleep, again. Aiden runs up and shakes her.
AIDEN
Wake up,!
ABIGAIL
What?!?! What’s wrong?
AIDEN
Nothing. Are you ready to do another
episode…
Abigail takes a breath of relief.
AIDEN
…of the Absolutely Uniformed Show, Abby?
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
Abby…that’s your name!
ABIGAIL
What are you talking about?
AIDEN
My name’s Hayden and your name is Abby…
ABIGALE
No! Your name is Aiden!
AIDEN
What are you talking about.
CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT of the room. It is the Uniformed Room. Abigail looks around and notices it. She looks over and dead on the floor is Abby and Hayden (the real one’s from before).
AIDEN
It’s too bad we had to dispose of those two Clueless Show losers.
ABIGAIL
What?
AIDEN
You don’t remember Abby? You killed one of them!
ABIGAIL
(to herself)
This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening!
Aiden begins to laugh hysterically. Abby and Hayden’s dead body rise up from the floor and walk over to Abigail and reach out to grab her. She screams for help.
SMASH CUT TO:
12 INT. CLUELESS RECORDING ROOM
Abigail is sitting her chair, eyes closed and she is screaming.
Aiden comes running in.
AIDEN
What’s wrong?
ABIGAIL
Aiden?
AIDEN
Yes?
She knows that she is in reality. She just smiles and takes a breath.
ABIGAIL
I just had the craziest dream!
We slowly pan away as Aiden sits down.
Abigail begins to tell him about her dream.
SLOWLY FADE OUT.
ROLL END CREDITS
THE END
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